My Own Worst Enemy
by LucyDragneel89
Summary: Lucy Heartfilia has been struggling with depression and self-harm for years. Ever since she's escaped from her toxic home life, her mental state has been stable-ish, but when her thoughts finally relapse, how will she cope? What will her friends be able to do to help? (Trigger warnings for selfharm, suicide, hospitals) (I am also the publisher for this story on Wattpad and Ao3)
1. Chapter 1

"Tick..tock..tick..tock..". Such a simple noise managed to echo far and wide through the silent apartment of Lucy Heartfilia. Perhaps it only seemed louder since it was the middle of the night, or maybe it sounded louder because she was begging for a distraction from her own mind. Every time she closed her eyes, her aggressive and self-destructive thoughts acted as if they've been handed a megaphone and loudly reminded her of everything that was upsetting to her.

She looked at the clock which read 3:20 am. She sighed, realizing that she's been up for an hour and has gotten nowhere with attempting to sleep, although that's not to say that she wasn't tired, which had done nothing but aggravate the situation. She grumbled as she let her eyes close once more, but then came the ever so familiar "Dark Lucy" as she calls it,

"Hey! Remember when your dad treated you like you were less than garbage? Maybe you're that worthless to everyone else! You're nothing, you get that?" it whispered. In a flash, her eyes were snapped open again.

As an act of giving up, she went into her kitchen and started to brew herself a cup of coffee. If she can't sleep, she might as well use her time to do something useful by working on her novel. While she was boiling the water, her eyes trailed to a kitchen knife left on her countertop. She reached over to grab it and place it in the sink, but as her hand inched closer, her mind started to run once more.

"When was the last time you cut yourself? Years ago, right? Don't you miss it?" her mind ran. Lucy flinched her hand back and aggressively shook her head.  
"Do it again. It's been too long," she started to pace back and forth. Her mind flashed mental images of her previous acts of self-harm. She started remembering the first time it happened, how it felt, how it made her feel, how it distracted her from her terrible life at home with a neglectful father, how it helped her cope growing up, and how often it would happen.

"We had so much fun with it! It made you happy! Do it again!". Tears started to come to her eyes. She was finally over a year clean from cutting, but the urges were so hard to handle, she often thought if it was even worth it.

"Shut up shut up shut up shut up," she spoke back to it quietly. At that moment, she realized that she had stopped pacing and started to punch her thigh repeatedly. She quickly stopped, looking at the red mark she left. She must've only been doing it for about a minute since it doesn't look too damaged, but she hoped that it wouldn't bruise. She headed back over to the knife, quickly tossed it into the sink, and went back to making her coffee.


	2. Chapter 2

Lucy headed to the guild hall early in the morning. Frankly, she was waiting all night for the morning to finally come seeing as she desperately needed a distraction. She dabbed some extra make-up under her eyes to cover up the bags and went on her way to a place that brought her happiness. The near-relapse moment she had last night was still playing through her mind, but the thoughts wouldn't come back at the guild, right?

Entering the guild hall, she was greeted by the familiar faces of Mira and Erza.

"Good morning Lucy!," Mira said happily, "You're here early. Did Natsu wake you up again?" she asked with a bubbly giggle.

"No, not this time," Lucy responded with a false tone of relief in her voice, "Isn't he out on a job?" she inquired.

"No? He came back yesterday. He didn't tell you?" Mira replied with a small head tilt.

"No he didn't," Lucy uttered, her hands fidgeting with her skirt. Normally, when Natsu comes back from solo missions, he always tells her the second he comes back and he always tells her everything about it. Why didn't he say anything this time? Her thoughts started running, and before she knew it, her 'Dark Lucy' was back.

He didn't tell you because he fucking hates you. He hates you and you know it. You're worthless, you're terrible, and he hates you," it spat. Lucy started to shake her head rapidly to shake the thoughts away.

'That's not true-', she thought, but was interrupted by an immediate rebuttal.

"It's not? Then why didn't he tell you but he told everyone else? He just got tired of being around a worthless sack of shit like you. You deserve to be punished for this. You should go home and cut yourself."

She started shaking her head more vigorously and started digging her nails into her palms. She's been clean for a year, she can't ruin it now. She can't!

"Lucy, what's the matter?" Mira inquired, picking up on her odd behavior. Lucy stopped and peered at the older mage. She was giving Lucy a confused and concerned stare, which simply made her more anxious.

"Now she thinks you're a freak. You psycho. You deserve to pay, you deserve to feel pain, go cut yourself. Do it. Do it," her thoughts sparked again. She started shaking her head once more.

"Lucy! What's wrong?" Erza imposed. Lucy stopped once more, and this time received the strength to reply,

"Nothing! Nothing...I'm just...sleepy!" she muttered anxiously. Erza and Mira both gave her suspicious stares, but didn't press the issue. Lucy was relieved that she got out of that situation, but her mind had a bone to pick with that.

"See? They don't care about you! They know you're upset but they don't care! No one cares about you and no one loves you! Go cut yourself you ugly bitch and maybe you'll be able to redeem your self worth as a human being!" her thoughts scolded sharply, the words slicing through her self esteem like knives.

Lucy gagged as her thoughts ran wild with commands of self harming and reminders of her self worth. She couldn't take this anymore. Who cared if she was 1 year clean. No one even knew about it except her and the servants she no longer lives with. No one would care!

"I think I left something at home. I'll be right back," Lucy announced quickly. She wasted no time briskly walking out of the guild all the way back home. She slammed her front door behind her and dashed to the kitchen as if she were racing with herself. She forcefully tugged open the knife drawer, yanking it out of the socket. The loud crash rang through the entire apartment, but Lucy paid no mind to it as she reached towards the largest knife. She was abruptly snapped out of her trance by a familiar voice,

"Luce, what are you doing?" It was Natsu, his head poking out from the refrigerator he was raiding. Lucy dropped the knife in shock, her heart beating out of her chest as beads of sweat collected on her forehead.

"What the fuck is he doing here? He's ruining our plans! You need to do this now! Get him out!" the thoughts buzzed.

"What are you doing here?" Lucy whimpered with a quivering voice, "wh-what did I t-t-tell you about c-coming in uninvvvvvited!" she stuttered angrily.

"Well, I came to tell you how my job went! I didn't get to tell you yesterday cause Happy was whining about wanting to go home, so I came over the second I woke up!" Natsu put his food down on her counter and closed her fridge, turning to face her, "But Luce, why were coming here so fast for a knife? Did you need to cut something open?" he asked.

The last thing he said ran through her mind, playing over and over like a record player. Cut something open...cut something open...cut..her skin open...cut...Her thoughts amplified these words. Lucy's hands started to shake, her line of sight heading to the fallen knives. Natsu was observant enough to notice her hands and slowly reached to hold them.

"Hey," he spoke calmly, "what's wrong?" he lightly grasped them.

"He doesn't care about what's wrong!" her thoughts yelled at her, "He's only saying this so he doesn't look like he hates you! He hates you! He's stopping you from what you need to do! He hates you!", it repeated.

Lucy was overwhelmed with so much happening internally that she lost control of herself and snapped. She snatched her hands away quickly and glared at her friend in front of her,

"Get the fuck away from me! Get out! Get out right now!", she shouted at the top of her lungs, "Get out Natsu get the fuck out of my house!" Tears were starting to flow down her cheeks.

Natsu flinched at the sudden extreme reaction from her, "Woah, woah, did I do something wrong?" he asked, trying to maintain his composure as to not aggravate her any more than she already was.

Lucy simply got even angrier. He was still here. Why was he still here?

"Get out get out get out get out get out!" she repeated, her entire body shaking more intensely at this point.

Natsu was both scared and confused. Sure, Lucy would be angry whenever he'd break in, but she's never reacted like this. There was something going on and he knew it. He was determined to find out what it was.

"Lucy, something's wrong. Tell me." he demanded in a softly stern voice.

"Shut the fuck up! Leave! Leave!" she wailed, her face turning red. All the screaming and crying was taking up so much of her energy that she no longer had enough strength to keep standing. She fell to her knees and hugged them close to her as her sobs got louder and louder.

Natsu being the persistent, dense person that he is decided that he should keep pushing her until he got an answer from her. He got down to her level and sat next to her,

"I'm not going to leave until you tell me what happened." he stated.

Lucy no longer had the energy to continue the screaming, so all she could do was cry. She knew she wouldn't be able to get him to leave no matter what she did, so she would have to come up with a Plan B Natsu seemed completely focused on her crying eyes, so Lucy took the opportunity amidst his distraction to slyly grab a knife from the fallen drawer and tuck it to her side. Her sobs covered the sounds of the soft metal clanging that would have otherwise been swiftly picked up by the dragon slayer. She proceeded to hide the knife by tucking it in the back of her skirt and pulling her shirt over it. The action itself simply looked as if she was just adjusting herself so it didn't look suspicious.

After the knife was concealed, she slowly stood up with her shaky legs and dashed to her bathroom as fast as she could, locking the door behind her. Natsu attempted to grab at her before she could run off, but he was unable to catch her.

Natsu sighed, finally understanding that if he was going to get something out of her, it would have to be another day.  
"Okay Luce, fine. You win this time, but I'll find out what's wrong and I'll help you. I swear I will." he mumbled, briefly resting his forehead against the bathroom door before exiting her flat through her window. He could feel the intense worry build up inside of him. He knew something was wrong and his instincts told him Lucy was in danger, but if she was hiding like that, then there was nothing he could do. Pushing her even more would have been even worse.

The second Lucy heard her window close, she swiftly pulled out the knife she picked up and examined it. She admired the metallic glimmer of the light shining against her old teenagehood companion and ran her thumb against the blade end.

"What are you waiting for?" her mind whispered, "It's been a year. Do it." it commanded.  
Lucy instantly lifted up her shirt and pressed the blade against her smooth skin, the familiar sharp stinging sensation running through her body, stimulating a shiver throughout her body. As she slowly dragged it along her abdomen, small little droplets of blood began to appear on the surface of her skin. She pulled the knife away and peered at the small sliver of a slice slowly filling itself with red. The wound stung, but in a way that was relieving.  
"Nice job! Now do it again. You have a lot to make up for!" her mind sung. Lucy was in a complete state of numbness and delirium as she swiped the knife across her stomach, littering it with streaks of blood. She had no control over her actions. Even if she wanted to stop, she couldn't, but why would she want to? She felt so good, so at home, so familiar. Why stop?


	3. Chapter 3

5 minutes and 38 cuts later, Lucy finally snapped out of her hypnotic trance. She put the knife down and looked at her stomach in shock and disgust. She just ruined an entire year's worth of progress in 5 fucking minutes. How..how? Her hands started to shake as the truth of the matter weighed itself on her like a ton of bricks. Tears were flowing like waterfalls down her face, staring at the red streaks on her stomach.

"Wow, you worthless bitch," her mind started, "you're such a fuck up that you ruined a perfectly good clean streak in 5 minutes? Wow, that's absolutely disgusting. You deserve to feel even more pain."

Lucy was deeply confused by the contradictory things her mind was telling her. She did what it told her to do, but now it's upset about it and it expects her to do what got it upset again. The confusion only seemed to add more pressure onto her, resulting in her stress levels to rise even more. She picked up the knife and strongly threw it against her wall in a fit of anger. This is the object that harmed her. This knife ruined her streak. Her breathing was starting to dwindle, her windpipe feeling like it was slowly closing up. She couldn't be here. She ran out of her bathroom to avoid being in an enclosed space, but it felt as if her own apartment was starting to close in on her as well.

"Get out," her mind said, "Get out. You need to get out. You're not safe here. Get out," it repeated. Lucy was so dazed that she didn't have the time or energy to think logically about what could possibly go wrong in her own apartment. She ran out onto the sidewalk, slamming her door shut behind her, her head tilted down as to not show off the fact that she was crying. Solely being outside wasn't enough. She needed to get away from her apartment. That's where it happened and that's where the knife is, so she needs to leave. It felt like someone was tying up her insides and squeezing all the air out of her lungs. She didn't want to be alone anymore. She needed a hug and she needed to hear someone else's voice. The first person that came to mind was Natsu, the person she almost always goes to when she's upset, but her mind quickly jumped up on that,

"You think he'll want to be around you after how you spoke to him? You disgusting piece of shit. You don't deserve to have anyone. You hurt everyone you talk to, you selfish whore."

She rapidly shook her head, trying to push away her own mind, but her thoughts were louder,

"He fucking hates you and you know it too. No one wants to deal with an insufferable bitch such as you. He doesn't want to be anywhere near you so don't waste his time bothering him."

She whimpered, her thoughts scalding her. She desperately wanted to apologize. She wanted to just hug him and cry in his comforting arms. She needed to be with someone and she wanted to be with him, but if she went against what her thoughts were telling her, she would have another episode, possibly a more extreme one.

'Well,' she thought, 'maybe I won't freak out as bad with Natsu there. He always makes me feel better anyways. He's my best friend.'

She started to walk to his house, her thoughts yelling at her to turn back with every step she took, but she kept moving forward.

"Stop!', it told her, "You're going to make a fool of yourself! He'd never want to be around an ungrateful piece of shit like you! Go back and suffer by yourself like you deserve!" it clamored. Every word it said only amplified her anxiety, the twisting in her stomach only getting stronger with every second, her lungs feeling like they're shrinking.

She started to run, thinking that the faster she got there, the faster she'd be okay. Natsu would be there for her, right? Natsu will make everything okay, right? She kept repeating this mantra over and over in her head until she arrived at his front door. Lucy didn't get the chance to knock before Natsu swung the door open.

"Get in," he said.

Lucy practically threw herself at him, squeezing him with the tightest hug, her tears soaking through his vest. He gently and comfortingly hugged her and rubbed her back while closing the door behind them. Her sobs echoed through his house. Despite being much smaller than her apartment, she felt significantly less claustrophobic in here than at home.

"What happened Lucy?" he asked softly, "Do you need anything?" Lucy's only response was a tighter squeeze. She clearly wasn't in the mood to talk.

"Did someone hurt you?" he asked, "Just nod or shake your head, okay? You don't need to say anything." he reassured. Lucy replied with a very small, hardly noticeable head shake. This removed a small amount of stress from his shoulders, but there was still a sense of looming dread hovering over him.

They both stayed silent for a few minutes aside from the cries that were slowly quieting down. Those minutes felt like hours. Natsu felt his blood boiling thinking of what could possibly be making Lucy so upset. He wanted to make things right for her, he needed to. The silence was broken by a small mumble coming from the blonde,

"I'm sorry," she uttered in a hardly audible voice, "I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm sorry."

"Aw Luce," Natsu replied, "I'm okay. Promise. I'm not mad about that." he said as he started to gently run his hands through her hair.

Lucy was starting to stabilize and calm down. Her body stopped shaking, she stopped crying, and it was easier to breathe. Natsu, being quick to notice this, saw the opportunity to figure out the truth of what had happened. He had an incredibly strong suspicion about what occurred after he left, and a part of him didn't even want to find out, but he needed to figure out if he was right. The only thing worse than finding out was being left to overthink it, so he took a deep breath and asked,

"Where did you do it?" he spoke sternly, looking at Lucy with serious, tense eyes. Lucy tensed up, feeling an unpleasant chill course throughout her body.

"Do what?" she asked quietly. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes you do. I know what you did and you know what I'm trying to say." Natsu pulled away from the hug to be able to look Lucy dead in her eyes.

"Where did you cut yourself?" he demanded, nearly cringing as he spoke. Lucy didn't know what to say. She stuttered for a moment, her mind being unable to form words.

"I..um..How did you know?" she asked, surprised. She didn't have the heart nor the courage to lie to her best friend. Natsu felt his heart sink hearing his worst fear come true.

"I could tell by the time you were holding a knife and then yelling at me to get out." he sighed heavily, squeezing her tightly once again. "Where did you do it?". Lucy said nothing and pulled up her shirt, revealing the series of red stripes on her stomach. Natsu pulled back a bit to look down at them and gasped, his hands covering his mouth.

"Oh my God," he mumbled, "Oh my God that's a lot." He was frozen, anxiety bubbling up inside him. "Is there more?"

Lucy shook her head. Natsu was minorly relieved, but his anxiety was starting to morph into anger towards himself. He should've stayed, he shouldn't have left, and he should've been there to help. Why did he have to leave when he knew what she was going to do? This is all his fault!

"Please don't think any less of me." Lucy spoke nervously. She didn't want him to think she was crazy or insane.

"Oh Luce...you don't have to worry about that." he said calmly. He then began to roll up his pants a bit, revealing several old scars on his thigh that were clearly from cutting.

"If I think less of you I'll have to think less of myself too."

Now it was Lucy's turn to be shocked. She never suspected that Natsu would ever do something like that. He was the chipper happy-go-lucky idiot dragon slayer. He would be the last person she ever suspected of experiencing something like this.

"Why? When did-" she asked, but was cut off before being able to finish her sentence,

"Lisanna's 'death' was hard on me. I used to do it every day, a lot of times a day after she 'died', but after a while, people found out, and I was forced to stop. I haven't done it in a long time, but I know what it's like Luce." he said as he rolled down his pant leg again, "I don't want to find out that you did this again. Please promise me you won't do this again. It's easier to quit this after the first time, but by the second or third it gets addictive. Do not do this again, you hear me?" he commanded.

"I know it's addictive. This isn't my first time doing this," she revealed. Natsu seemed stunned, his eyes widening.

"When was the first time?" he asked.

"Um..I was..13. It was the anniversary of my mom's death," she confessed. She felt so exposed and vulnerable sharing her past like this. Normally, she would hate this, but she felt okay around Natsu. It was like he was protecting her from things that already happened, and that made her feel comfortable.

"I,,I was a year clean b..before..um.." she was starting to struggle to breathe again. Tears were starting to well up in her eyes.

"I didn't mean to!" she spoke in a sob, "I didn't mean to I didn't mean to! I tried to stop myself but I couldn't!" she started to break down again, her body quivering again, her voice nearly raising to a yell.

"I'm sorry! I ruined everything! I'm terrible!", she shouted. Natsu squeezed her tightly again.

"Hey shh. It's okay. We all slip up. It's a human thing. You're not terrible for making a mistake. You didn't mean to do this. What matters is that you don't do it again."  
Lucy wiped her tears away from her red, puffy eyes. Hearing his words of reassurance greatly relieved her anxiety.

"I won't do it again," she whimpered, "I promise." Her thoughts, which have been surprisingly quiet until now, seemed to have an issue with her words,

"You'll do this again. I'll fucking make you, you disgusting, worthless, vile piece of scum. Once you get home you're doing it again. It felt good, didn't it? You already fucked up anyways. Another round of cuts won't be the end of the world," it persuaded. Lucy tensed up and whimpered, trying to deflect the urges.

"You okay?" Natsu asked, feeling her tension.

"Go on," her mind said, "tell him what I just said. Tell him you're going to cut when you get home. Tell him you want to. He'll fucking hate you forever for wanting to break a promise you just made. You're so fucking disgusting," it scolded.

"I'm okay," Lucy whispered, being convinced by her thoughts, "It's just cold," she fibbed.

Natsu, believing her, broke off the hug and engulfed his entire body in flames.

"Is this warm enough for ya Luce?" he joked. Lucy couldn't help but chuckle at her friend's foolishness. Natsu smiled, seeming satisfied with her reaction.

There's the happy Lucy I know." he said. This made her smile even more. His dumb jokes never failed to get a laugh, no matter what the situation was.

"Hey Lucy, do you wanna head to the guild? We can take a job to take your mind off things!" he suggested. Lucy liked the sound of that. Maybe if she had something else to focus on, her thoughts won't bother her.

"Okay," she smiled. Natsu seemed ecstatic, his eyes glimmering and his smile beaming.

"All right! Let's go!" he shouted enthusiastically, grabbing her hand and leading her out the door, running full speed towards the guild.


End file.
